I hear the phrase “out of the closet” and my thoughts immediately turn to homosexuality. The phrase, as it used to be used, was much broader than that. It essentially was a description of someone who had a behavior, thought pattern, or even a belief that they generally kept secret. Thus, their indulgence was hidden, or “in the closet.”

Over time, the idea of a person revealing their “hiddeness” became known as “coming out of the closet.”

For some of my more intimate friends, it isn’t news that I was addicted to pornography for many years. Probably starting somehwere about age 12 or 13 and then struggling with it until complete liberation in more recent history.

Today, I chose to share this information with my church family. Yes. Publically. I know. I’ve always heard that there is a time and place for sharing that information. But somehow, with ther people sharing their conversion stories and giving testimonies of how God had changed their lives – today seemed like the right time. Maybe it’s time to “blog it” as well.

Well – out of the closet – I was a slave to pornography. Even as a minister, as a loving husband and father, for years I had a “secret” life that few knew that I indulged. It was heartbreaking for Ginger when she discovered it several years ago. Like many other women, it was difficult for her not to conclude that my problem was a result of something she had done. It was hard for her to accept that my struggle had little if anything to do with her appearance, her behavior or her attitude towards me at all. To be quite honest, I’m not sure I can really describe it.

I know some people believe that you have to be able to determine what “hole” in your heart needs filling in order to conquer a beast like an addiction. I don’t know. Maybe so, maybe no. All I do know is that for me – it didn’t really take any soul searching psychotherapy or delving into the past to dig up bones about my relationship with my parents. Over all, my relationship with them has been good.

Phase ONE of coming out of my addiction was to begin making a serious effort to STOP sinning. I failed. Over and over again I failed because I was missing out on a philosophical integration that I should never have missed out on to begin with. So I began to plug into a 12 step group. That didn’t work for me and I soon recognized that it never would. Not for me. I found no encouragement there. What I did find was a group of people who generally felt hopeless about ever being able to be emotionally free from addiction. They were happy with abstinence. I knew I needed more than mere restraint.

I added to this a ministry of accountability which has been very helpful, but still lacked effectiveness in curing the real heart problem. I started using (and still use) accountability software. Specifically, I use Covenant Eyes. Excellent software, I recommend it for the sake of restraint and abstinence. I also tried a web-based mentoring course called “Setting Captives Free.” It was okay, but was way too pessimistic about human nature. They essentially told me that there was nothing I could do to change my sinful behavior. I had to beg God to change me and if he didn’t, then oh well, I just had to keep begging until something happened.

I actually did this for a while. Until I realized that this view of God is not one I could agree with philosophically, biblically or even morally. When did God ever require begging him for blessing?

Then in recent times I was reading my Bible and two thoughts came together for me that really made a difference.

The first thought came as I was reading about Paul’s thorn in the flesh. Three times he asked God to remove it and God’s response was simply this, “My grace is sufficient for you.” Now we can argue left and right about what Paul’s thorn in the flesh was, but that’s irrelevant. What is relevant is that whatever it was, it was something that required God’s grace to overcome. To me, it only makes sense to understand this as some form of spiritual warfare or temptation. But the key is that God’s grace is sufficient. I had always known this in my head, but I had to teach it to my heart. No matter how many times I had slipped, no matter how many magazines or web-sites or whatever I had ogled – God’s grace is sufficient. Christ died for the sins of the WHOLE world, and that means for my sins – ALL of them.

But then I had to balance that thought with the second. Why? Because a heavy reliance upon grace without an adequate understanding of the Spirit of God combined with human nature can lead to two things:
1) It can lead to an abandonment of any reasonable effort to overcome sin. If we truly beleive that God’s grace is going to cover our sin to the point that we need not really try – then we simply won’t.
2) It can also lead to slavery. This is where I was for quite some time. I was enslaved to sin simply because I believed that I was. I had always denied the doctrine of “total depravity,” and rightly so. But even though I could argue against it on paper, I was living it practically speaking. While I never really believed that men could do NO good whatsoever, I lived as if it were true.

Anyway, the second thought that came to me that balanced the truth that “God’s grace is sufficient” came from another “Paul” text. Paul told Timothy that God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, and love and self-discipline. Before I begin to take credit for making all the right choices, let me say that this text clearly says that the spirit of self-discipline is given to us by God! It is not inherenti in humanity, it is a gift. But here’s the thing – the gift that God gives us is the ability to discipline OURSELVES! In other words, we have a choice.

The verse made famous by many who struggle with sin says that “no temptation has come upon you except what is common to man.” and that God always provides a “way out.” The applicaiton here is that God provides the way out, but he does not force it.

So recently when faced with temptation to “relapse,” I have simply been able to stave off temptation byt he spirit of self-discipline that God has given me along with the knowledge that even in the midst of my temptations and struggles with sin, God’s grace is sufficient.

My prayer was once, “Lord create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me.” I now realize that he has done this already. The moment he cased his spirit to reside in me I already possessed a spirit of power, love and self-discipline. The slavery that I lived in for years was caused by ignorance. My willngness to feel sorry for myself because I believed I could not choose to do right. I honestly believed I was powerless.

But the Bible clearly teaches that by the Spirit of God within, I have power at my disposal to engage in spiritual warfare – even for my own soul. I can make choices that effect the outcome of this spiritual battle. I am no longer depraved, helpless, powerless – specifically because God has placed his Spirit within me as a resource for self-discipline.

Now, my prayer is not that God would renew, but that he would increase my wisdom and insight into the freedom that we have in Christ. For in Christ we are free – and that freedom hinges on our abilit to see and understand the truth.

So now back to the closet. To pray to God in thanksgiving that he has enabled me to say “no” to sin. God forbid that I ever claim to be without sin or perfect in my avoidance of it. But by Spirit, I can say, with confidence, that I am no slave to it.

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